well, summer is just about over.

but you know what isn't over? my summer reading. the thing is (and i don't want to sound like a know-it-all because I'm far from that), i just don't feel like i need to be reading 2 of the books i was assigned...which would be the Bible (genesis and exodus of the "old testament" and the gospel according to matthew from the "new testament") and an intro to greek/roman mythology book. i realize that reading these will help me gain a better insight to lots of references made to them in literature...but i've studied genesis and exodus my whole life and i don't believe in the "new testament" so whatever it says is really not going ot matter to me. i don't know much about the gospel according to matthew, and i'm not supposed to look at in a religious matter because it is for homework, but i just don't think that i'm going to benefit from it. and we're supposed to make notes in the Bible while reading it, and i just don't feel comfortable writing in it. and then for the greek/roman mythology book....i LOVE mythology, but over the years of having a year long class about it and different segments of the year learning about it, i dont feel like reading a book about stuff i already know. there's always something new to learn though...so who knows? but i do know that i need to get a move on because school is on monday and today is saturday (ooppsssies)

otherwise summer has been great. i went to florida for a week with stephen and his family and that was a blast and i got a bit of a tan (which has now since begun to dissapear). and then i went to ILTC (international leadership training conference) for about two and a half weeks. ILTC was amazing and i got to see some of my CLTC friends, some of my bulgaria friends, and i met like 140 new friends through BBYO. color wars was awesome! i was team captain of the toad team! ya ha! i always loving going to camp perlman, so it was really great. we all need a break from reality now and then.

well, i'm in a pretty good mood right now. kelsea slept over and last night and i missed her so much and i'm missing her even more because she just left. my mom is coming home from the hospital today so i'm really excited about that too! and i'm going school supply shopping today!! which is pretty much my favorite thing in the world to shop for (no joke). anyway, i'm off to shower and eat some brunch. au revoir.

ps- i put a new song in the background of my xanga. its by the band called national eye. they're a pretty good indie band. i heard about them from watching this amazing amazing amazing movie that you can find on www.foureyedmonsters.com or www.myspace.com/foureyedmonsters

summer thus far is not showing it's true potential.

or maybe it is. maybe this summer is just going to suck. i mean, it's only been about 3 days of summer and it's honestly quite stressful, unhappy, and gross. and i didn't expect my summer to be like that. i have strep throat, and even though i don't feel so crappy anymore, i can't be around anyone or else i'll infect them. so i'm stuck at home bored. i didn't get to go to kelsea's graduation, and i haven't even seen her this weekend. i'm freaking out about school. it's summer, and now i decide to freak out about school. i want to be active and do stuff, but this strep throat mess is keeping me in bed, and i just want to get out. and tomorrow i have SAT tutoring, which prevents me from going to kelly's party.

i'm kind of a lonely mess right now to be honest, and the only person i want to be with is 60 something miles away and i wouldn't be able to be with them anyway cause i'm contagious.

the biggest, best thing that has happened to me this summer is that i got some new soap at CVS today when i was picking up my meds, and it smells really good. shea butter. my favorite.

i don't usually do that much complaining ya know? i mean, i don't think i do. but i'm kind of sick of some people right now. and none of it is my fault. i feel incredibly thick right now, and i don't know why. i feel far away from everyone. whatever, i'm done with this pity party. signing off now.

"However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poorhouse. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man's abode; the snow melts before its door as early in the spring. I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there, and have as cheering thoughts, as in a palace...Things do not change; we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts...Money is not required to buy one necessary of the soul."
--"Walden" by Henry David Thoreau

read that. read it all. it will inspire you on how to better live your life. trust me.

in other news, you can't bring me down. i'm somewhere near cloud 9 and i'm declaring it my own. this is my own happiness. this is my own life. this is my own body and my own thoughts and opinions and habits and personality and voice. anyone may bring me down, but i'll float back up, even if i have to climb.

and in case you're confused...things have taken a turn for the better. finally.

i have potential to do great things

i'm a great person. i am a good person.
i love with everything that i am.
i am talented. i am a great designer.
i give it all...and hardly recieve anything in return. i am content with that.
i keep my room clean. almost always.
i find innocence and meaning in everything i can.
i stand up for what i believe in.
i look at trees...and i see beauty.
i recycle and conserve.
i can make you laugh without making fun of others.
i hold the door open for everyone. always.
i say please and thank you.
i give real hugs. i give passionate kisses.
i do things just because. that is the best reason.

i don't live up to my potential

i lie about pointless things.
i procrastinate.
i only work hard for things i like to do.
i give up easily on schoolwork.
i shower too much.
i sleep too much.
i don't like to walk my dogs.
i get irritated about things that shouldn't be irritable.
i talk too much.
i sometimes say the wrong thing.

i can realize what i need to work on...but i never truly work on them. i have no motivation anymore. i need to find that spark again.
i can realize what my positive qualities are...but it's hard to truly enjoy them when they aren't recognized.

i wish my mom would say, "hannah, i'm so proud of you. you went to bulgaria and helped others you don't even know, you help all of your friends, you're reliable, you're artistic and talented, you're beautiful, and thank you for keeping your room and the house in order and clean."
instead, my mother says, "how was dance leah? what did you work on tonight? steve, we need to talk to the police, because maddie is in jail again. we also need to get the tennis line-up out because that's really important. what did you say steve?..you want to know where hannah is?...well, probably in her room doing nothing."

maybe i stay in my room because there's nothing else out there for me. maybe i stay in my room because that's comfortable for me. maybe i stay in my room because i don't want people to know "me." maybe i stay in my room because when i was in seventh grade and i left my room, i nearly died. yeah, maybe that's it. maybe you're just blind. maybe you have no idea....maybe you don't my biggest secret of all

i'm going to bulgaria tomorrow. i'm more than excited. i've been out of the country twice.....once to mexico and once to canada. i went to mexico in sixth grade, but i don't think i'll go back because seeing all the poverty and the stray dogs going hungry made me really upset...and it made me even more upset that i couldn't do anything about it. when i went to canada i was only there at nighttime...so i never got to see how beautiful it really is. sooo i'm looking forward to bulgaria. while there, i'll be helping out at the orphanage in sofia, visiting ancient architecture, cave diving, hiking, staying with a home-stay family there for a night, and just a lot of community service.

i've been feeling so stuck lately. stuck and numb. i need to get out of here...and i'm not only "getting out"...but i'm helping others; my favorite thing to do. plus it'll be cold there...and snowing...i love snow.

in other news, i quit grandslam and started working as a waitress at bassano's.not gonna lie....money is good hah. being a waitress is really hard, but it's worth it. also, this week is finals week so when next semester starts, i'll have four finals waiting for me to make up.

well, i've finally come to terms with what i am and who i am. i'm trying to accept it...but it's hard. it isn't something i want...but when did we get to choose what we want. i'm dismissing this all as fate. and i'm a believer.

happy channukah and happy (almost) new year. maybe i'll bring you something back from bulgaria...the exchange rate's in our favor after all. hah oh and just to let anyone know who cares...i've been having extreme urges to climb pretty much every tree i see. i mean, we all know i love to climb trees...but it's been nonstop where i'm just like oh my goodness i neeeed to climb that tree!! so i've decided that i'm dedicating a whole day over winter break when i get back home to climbing all the trees that i've been dying to climb.

i'll be bringing a journal with me to bulgaria, so maybe when i get back i'll post some entries.

i love bree. she's my best friend. she knows me. she's amazing and beautiful. when she does something funny, she pauses...and then bursts out laughing. that's my favorite part.